Two weeks ago my husband fainted and sliced his head open

Two weeks ago my husband fainted and sliced his head open. It was 6 am and I jumped out of bed to find him bleeding and half conscience in the bathroom. I was terrified for two reasons - I was so afraid that it was going to be another stroke and I was so afraid of what this type of experience would do to my psyche.

I used to write to unravel all of the thoughts swirling around in my mind and put sense to some of the more difficult to comprehend concepts. So, in other words, I wrote when my heart just couldn't understand what my brain was telling me.

The more I have participated in this activity the more I think my brain actually fools me sometimes. I say this because I have residual anxiety from having had Maddy fall in the fire and I'm sure from a lifetime of stress - or responsibilities that I figured I could handle without help from anyone else or from God. Now with Will's fall and potential of really bad things happening - I was so afraid of where my mind might go.

I am a storyteller, but sometimes storytelling comes at a cost though. The stories we tell ourselves, that are not true, can literally hurt us.

Compare it to any time you have told yourself the following.... "what if I lose someone I love..." or "so and so doesn't like me." or  "I'm not good enough to do that..." or "I've tried changing but I can't...". You get my point.

For me, the curse of telling myself anything that isn't true at this juncture in my life is that it literally can conjure up a panic attack- like my body is "protecting me" from the pending doom I've imagined-- even though it didn't or will not happen.

I wish I was alone in my fear of the unknown and doubt of other's acceptance, but I think it is human nature to be afraid of the things we can't see or feel, and instead of bringing out the best in us- it brings out the worst in us. We assume the worst will happen and we respond accordingly.

With all this weighing heavy on me, I sometimes stop telling stories to stave off the anxiety. But really it's still there, I'm still afraid. I'm starting to believe the only way to really stave off the fear is to have faith. Faith that the worst won't happen and that people do like me and that even when they don't I will still be OK. And most of all that people will and can change - not because I tell them to but because they are good and they want to return to live with their Heavenly Father again too. He wants them there and knows the best way to recover each one of us from our "fallen" states.

Finally, I know it was mean of me to wait until the end to finish Will's story- but I guess I wanted to make a point. Even if the worst had happened two weeks ago- I would have been OK. I am OK. We are all OK. We don't have to beat ourselves up so much- we don't have to beat others up so much. We are OK.

After Will fell I carried him to the bed. Called my mom to watch the kids and started getting ready to go to the hospital. In the moment I stepped onto my front porch to see if my mom had arrived- instead, I heard a car door open across the street. It was my neighbor, a doctor, on the way to work. He came over and told us Will was not having a stroke. He was just dehydrated.

We stayed home. My mom went back to her day. Will was fine (as was later confirmed by his stroke doctor as well).  In fact, Will's stroke doctor also confirmed had we gone into the ER it would have been an entire day's worth of lengthy and expensive tests.

As much as the stories we tell ourselves make us feel like we are in a losing battle- it is so far from the truth. God knew all along that the timing of Will's fall would coincide with the doctor leaving for work. He is in the wings, He is there to catch us. We aren't alone. We can and should have faith instead of fear.

It's been forever

I'm not sure this blog will get any views, but I don't know that I can leave it empty. For anyone who follows my wonderful husband on his journey- I want you to know how well he is doing.

As you read about our horrible summer last year. You now know my daughter has scars from tripping into a fire. I have scars as well- only my scars are different. Hers are visible and every time I look at them I have a choice to see my scars differently. The choice to not feel guilty and wonder "if she would have had a better mother in that moment- would things be different?" This choice I have to make- happens often. She could be a living reminder to me that I missed out on saving her - and unfortunately that has been the case at times in my uphill journey to find myself to love myself again.

I know my daughter and I aren't the only ones with scars. We all have them. Hers are just more visible. But no matter how well you can see the trauma in a person's life- or not, its still a part of them. Will's stroke is still a part of him.  I feel like I'm finally turning a corner in my life and accepting heartache and pain as what it is- a lesson for us, a challenge to turn to God, instead of away from Him.

Someday when my daughter is 16 and hoping a boy she likes will ask her on a date- will she let her scars embarrass her? Will she try to hide them so she doesn't have to talk about it- or will it be a way to leverage a conversation. Will she view this unattractive piece of her body as unwanted? Or will she see it as a way to build others. Teach resilience and acceptance and be an example of someone who is brave despite insecurities and short comings. I hope the choice she makes when that day comes - will be to stand as a light on a hill. Not being defined by her scars rather being defined by the person she has become- just like her dad has done.

A Horrible Summer

This "what happens instead" blog is not one I have been looking forward to writing. I've just been plain sad and heart broken for months now. I don't even like to talk about it, but I would be ungrateful if I didn't.

This past summer my daughter fell face first into a camp fire. The incident landed us on a life flight and a we had a very frightening next few weeks and months. I was literally shaking for the first week after it all happened. Panic attacks took over my every hour. I was terrified to be alone. Watching her wince and scream in pain every time we pinned her down to change her dressings was unbearable. How could something so horrible happen? I was a few feet away, but she still fell. I wasn't able to spare her from such a terrible accident. I was useless. 

Trying to come to grips with this has been the hardest part of the whole experience. Why would God let such a bad thing happen. To me and to Madison? For the first time in the my life I thought and felt like God was just plain cruel. Like he didn't love me enough to protect me or my daughter. I ignored the service that poured in after the accident. The people who stayed by my side for weeks after the accident. The friends who cleaned my house and delivered groceries, the family who prayed and fasted for me. The neighbors who came to help change the dressings. I was just too sad. It was unreal and it was not fair. 

What happened this summer was totally unexpected. My baby was hurt. Her skin was forever changed. There were burns on her face, arms, hand and tummy. Things happened that neither I nor any doctor could change. The scars would be there for life. 

But through my tears and ridiculous chastisements to my Lord and Savior - He sent down angels. Literal angels from heaven, who caught my daughter while she was falling into the fire. Secured her up in just the right way so she could roll out of the fire and the worst burns would totally miss the crucial areas. The burns on her face and hand and elbow were insignificant. The ones on her belly and upper arm will always be covered by clothing and not require any skin grafts. 

The angels were also there every time I wept in my back yard to yell at God, after my husband and children had gone to sleep. The angels stayed by me and God just listened to me. He let me experience the anguish that comes from such a dramatic experience, and when I was ready He wrapped me in His arms and carried me. 

What happened instead this summer is - I learned for myself God lives. That He loves me and knows EXACTLY what is going on. He weeps with us and comforts us. I will never be the same person I was before my daughters accident(and I am still afraid I will mess up again), but I have begun to see my role as a mother in a totally different light. I put down my phone and turn off my computer screen to talk kids more often now and we dance in the living room more than we ever had before the accident. Now instead of tears of sadness, I weep tears of joy when I am with them. I am so grateful to have them. I love my little family with everything I am. I am also so grateful for my Heavenly Father. I pray I can be worthy of His love - even in my darkest hours.

Love,

Summer

p.s. I know I write sporadically in this blog so I hope you'll still keep with us on our journey. We love you and pray for you!

Something better...

Photo Credit:Will Blackhurst

I assume theses words will reach some eyes so I will continue to share, when I can, what it is to have your whole world change and try to start new. I know these entries are much like a calendar ticking further and further away from the day Will had his stroke(more than eight years ago). It's easy to forget anything happened at all after a while. We have our new normal. The kids hardly know that dad was ever a doctor and it will be years before they understand at one moment he was on deaths door.

These moments define a person, though. Will and I of course feel more deeply for anyone who has the rug jerked out from underneath them as they struggle with new health challenges or unexpected life changes. I think the biggest change, is as much as we would like to complain - because we didn't land a career with excess cash, or haven't been able to have a bigger house, or travel as much or eat out very much - we can't complain. It would be so ungrateful of us if we did. We got something better than a big house or exotic vacations. We found out what was more important. We found the stuff so many people would give their whole life to have--not only did Will live but we found an incredible love. On the other side of a whole lot of horrible we found peace.

What has happened instead? We aren't so angry anymore when the fairness scales do not tip in our favor. In our extremities we have come to know that faith in our Savior can lift us from the darkest of days. That happiness has little to do with worldly favor or wealth and everything to do with how you choose to rise when you're knocked down. Who you choose to follow in your darkest of days. I know we aren't the only ones who can sing this song. I know there are so many out there that have ridden through the rain of pain of loss and sadness and found something better. I just join my voice with them - I know my Savior lives, He is aware of us and in fact it is in these most difficult times when His greatness is revealed.

D&C 6:34 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if you are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

Holding on

It was a long time ago that Will and I met. We have known each other 14 years and it took us five years to get to the point where we openly admitted that we carried a torch for one another. It seems so long ago - a year before Will's stroke he decided that he would give "us" a try.  He was confusing. I wasn't sure how to follow in the dance steps that seemed to have me twirling one minute and on the sidelines another. So when he finally took my hand November 2006 after a symphony concert I was thrilled and scared and wondering- what is this guy thinking?

Now that we are another nine years past that wonderful day when he first took my hand and held my heart with it - I admit we still step on each others toes at times. I still wonder- What is this guy thinking? It has taken years of spinning and missteps and sometimes injured feelings to understand how to make this dance count. To learn how to follow him and make sure he knows where I will go next. But I will tell you one thing for sure - from the moment my man returned home after his stroke I have never sat on the sidelines. He is always there for me. He lets me know how much I mean to him. He loves me more than I deserve I am sure. He is my cheerleader, my best friend and my eternal companion. So I am glad that even though we have a long time to go before we figure each other out and even though life gets in the way - ALL THE TIME! My partner has never once taken his eye off the prize. I am so grateful for such a loving husband and a beautiful family. I love him with everything I am!

To love another person...

The thought of wars abroad and contention in our homeland have been a real downer for me lately. I'm not sure why these things have been weighing on my heart- it could be the political climate in the world - with terrorism threats and the contentions within religions and against organized religions. But sometimes you sit down at the end of the day and wonder if there is any good in the world. I'm convinced that we don't find God in the noise and the loud clamors for justice. But we find him in the quiet whisperings for mercy and subdued tones of humility. We find him in on our knees, and in our whispers to him for understanding and peace.

Another place we find God is in our love for others and from others. "To love another person is to see the face of God," Victor Hugo.  I don't think we can spend enough time telling someone we care about them or showing them by serving them. No time is misspent when it is in the service of our fellowman.  And the more we dwell on how much we have been hurt by another person and how much so and so needs to pay for their misdeeds, that time is a complete waste.

Love conquers all. No matter the heartache and pain there will always be love, and compassion. And if for some reason it isn't staring you in the face - go out and find it because as long as I have lived I have never ceased to be impressed with the unending sacrifice and compassion of others. There is always someone to love and that will love you back, even if it is simply our Savior Jesus Christ-reach out to Him and He will not leave you without.

As for our better day -- Will got a promotion at his job and is still soldiering through a years worth of classes so he can get a certificate for Health Information management. We are closing on a home in Kaysville tomorrow and we couldn't be more thrilled. And finally our children are the light in our life. They are sweet and loving and I don't know what I will do when my cute baby is too old to hold and snuggle. We love being parents and we love being married.

Keeping up

I'm going to say it. It's cliche coming from a young mom, but I am going to say it. I AM TIRED! I can't seem to catch a break! Every time I plan to get to bed earlier my kids wake up more during the night and every time I want a longer afternoon nap- that is when I have to do laundry or clean or follow through with my threat to take away tv privileges (which I think every mom knows it's harder on us than it is the children! Without the tv we are their 24/7 entertainment!)

What does this have to do with "what happens instead" -- well I think life happens instead. It isn't as glamorous as it seems- the cute toddler the adorable baby and the handsome pre-kindergartener-- they all take tons of work! And when I say tons I mean TONS of work. What I am learning though, isn't to just slow down and enjoy these days where the hugs and calling for mom never end. It's how to better manage my time. To save time for each one of my children, for my husband and for myself and for neighbors and friends and other family members. It really is all important and instead of wishing away a piece of these relationships -- I think it is possible to hold onto them and nourish them even with limited time. The secret is time management -- don't get caught too long on Facebook or in that well deserved nap. Take time to prepare a head so when those relationship opportunities present themselves you can embrace them. And you don't have to push away your toddler because you forgot to shop for a meal and now you're scrambling or you don't have to say no to crossing the street to say hi to a friend because you already cleaned your room.

I know it isn't possible to be 100 percent all of the time on all of this. But I am learning it is more important than ever to keep on top of things so the things that matter most have most of your time. I hope this blog wasn't too "mommy blog" - I think it applies to pretty much anyone with a lot on their plate (which is almost everybody). Stay with us on our journey. We love you and appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

What really matters

What really matters seems to be the end all be all explanation to what really happened to my husband. His story is a little more dramatic because I mean medical school and medical residency and so much hard work and so much money/school loans. Isn't the MD what really matters? Doesn't having eight years of higher level education what matters most?  At first it was. Will was devastated. All he wanted to do was get back into his car and drive to Ohio. Put on his drs badge and take care of patients. It was what he had dreamed of doing since a young teenager. And when that was gone. It was all that mattered, and he was very sad. I was very sad for him. But then something happened. Something else, neither of us had planned for. Being back in the same state again I felt complete. I felt at peace whenever I was with him. I couldn't wait to see him everyday and even though our dates were sometimes in the office of a neuropsychologist or to a speech therapy appointment, it never got old. Being with him is what really mattered. I'm not going to say that the love we felt for one another made the heart ache go away, but it did make it bearable. 

The relationships we have are what really matter. They transcend eight years of college and a prominent career and anything else you can throw in the mix. We matter. Being together matters.  I'm so grateful to be married to my best friend. I'm so glad that we took that leap of faith- not knowing what our future would hold and how far Will would come back from the stroke. We both often say -- being together is the best decision we have ever made. And as for Will's MD, we only feel grateful that we are headed in a direction where we believe someday it will be useful again. For now we're happy to have him working and preforming well at work. In the meantime I feel like I am married to some Ken Jennings-- He knows everything about everything and someday that brain of his will be put to full use again.  

A House, almost

What happened instead this last month is Will and I didn't get the house we wanted. It was 100 years old and it looked like it was right out of a Jane Austen novel/movie. It was so cute! Our hearts broke a little, but mostly my mind changed. Why is it so hard to distinguish between what we need and what we want? We need food, water, air and shelter. But how much of it? Where does it stop? And if we do get more shelter or tastier food is it a sin?  Sometimes wondered if our "wealth" has been taken away (since our dr had a stroke) as some sort of punishment. As if we did something wrong and now we have to "pay for it" - but really I know his stroke isn't a punishment and our lack of material possessions doesn't mean we are less than the next person.

Value has nothing to do with money or big houses or tasty steak dinners. Rich or poor, president of the United States, or homeless man on the street - they have the same value. Obviously we are all handed different stories in this life and some are wrought with poverty, others addiction and others mental illness, but we all have something. Something really difficult to deal with. It is for us to pick up our cross and to move forward- and much like the Savior as we bear those burdens our soul begins to enlarge. Our love for others increases. Our gratitude for small things grows.

So instead of getting our home- we got something else. Another life lesson. One that helps us to feel more deeply and lean more on each other and on our Lord and Redeemer. Will did not sin and as a result have a stroke. Our not getting the home wasn't a punishment. Sometimes something else happens instead. And that is ok.

Happy New Year

Things are going great for us. Will is doing good in his job and he is aceing all of his tests for his classes. I'm afraid to hope that this is the new normal - we've spent a long time under the umbrella of rejection and "its not time yet" and "how long can we survive financially" and you name it - we've been through it :).

The other aspect of our life is our three children- which has been better than we could have hoped for even if the logistics to raising these tikes is pretty crazy sometimes. Like, it's practically impossible to take them all shopping (picture me carrying the baby in one arm, straping the todller into the front of the cart and barricading the four year old in the grocery cart). It also takes 45 mins to get my kiddies twenty feet (from the house and loaded into the car) but we can't complain- I mean heck look at the pictures they are soooo cute! 

Meanwhile, our job, our home, and our little family- they are humble beginings but at least they are beginings. We have high hopes for Will. He is as smart as ever and is learning to balance all the balls of working, schooling, and daddying (and husbanding). Wish us luck in our new adventure and keep us in your prayers- we've got a long but hopeful road ahead of us.

Will got a Job!

We're working at the U of U in the Health Information Department and he will start December 1st. So much of the pressure that has been our constant companion these past seven years seems like it's starting to break free. I asked Will what he wanted for Christmas and he said-  a job with benefits-- with a smile we both know this is a day he has been waiting for for so long.

You can't imagine what it has been like these past years trying to prove or convince or teach other people to not treat "Dr. Blackhurst" differently. Will is so capable. He has been acing the tests in his classes and recently passed a CCA certification. I guess it's just hard for people to understand what happened to him and what comes next. It's been hard for us to understand.

What has happened instead is that we've had to fight to figure things out. And the future is still foggy- but it seems like at least for now the engine is started. Meanwhile, in moments like this when I look around and see so much heart ache in my community and even with my friends and family I think-- just keep going. You're making a difference. Everything you do leads to something - no matter how slow or far away it seems. Keep going!

Things are heating up!

Things have been busy lately. I admit to neglecting the blog, Actually I've been neglecting a lot of things. My house, my health, my sanity ;) Really, it hasn't been that bad, but I have to say our life is still vexed with what happened to my husband almost seven years ago in the middle of the night when a small clot cut loose from who knows where and lodged in his brain. 

We have ups and we have downs. Lately there have been more downs...  Every thing has been squeezed a little bit more with the addition of our third child. My time, my need to work more, the pressure on Will to get an education and a job. We've been running around like chickens with out heads cut off trying to keep up with our lives. Will is enrolled in three classes right now. He has been looking for jobs like no one elses business and he actually got a gig where he will be selling insurance for a month -- after that we hope to have our coding certificate and move into medical coding for a year or two. After that hopefully some managment area where he is working more closely with Drs on quality control stuff... Who knows what our future holds.

The message for today's blog is when things get tough-- I fall a part a little than I get going. I'd say the same about Will. It's like we doubt that things will go well. We blame all over again-- "why won't people give Will a chance?" or "why do we still have to deal with the effects of this stroke all these years later?" We stretch to find meaning, when really it's in front of us. Three beautiful sets of eyes looking at us with all the faith in the world that we will fill their cupboards for them and comfort them and be able to give them everything they need. Never doubting us or our abilities.

We are so lucky to have each other and I wish we could just skip the part where we doubt and just move on to the part where we have faith that everything will be OK. Because we know it will. Everything is for a reason and we feel so blessed for our little family and for all the experinces we have had and continue to have. We are on an extraoridanary journey.

So stay tuned for some of the next episodes for "How Will's world turns" Things are just heating up around here!

Crazy Times

I have been trying to figure out why this blog has got no loving from me lately. My mind feels like mush. I'm hyperextended in the area of raising kids and working and helping Will. My dreams and hopes seem to be muffled in the middle of it all right now. I haven't exercised in months and the thought of getting out on a run stresses me out to figure out all of the logisitics-- which one of my kids is sleeping and who needs to be fed and is Will hungry. Somedays I feel like I'm losing myself to be able to find the rest of the world. And I know losing yourself for other people can be good- but not taking care of oneself is bad too. I guess I don't know where the line is. And I know this post is getting off on some mommy woes tangent- but I think or I assume everyone faces this challenge in one way or another.

We don't take time to do the things that are important - to recharge the batteries. We work half baked sometimes and we're starting off on the wrong foot. I think we need to approach our days like we would training for a triathlon. Don't start out too fast- because you have to work up to where you need to be, but do start training. No matter how slow the progress- sharpen the saw. Say one more prayer today that you might not have. Take a walk, read your scriptures for five extra minutes. Take two more minutes to look at the sunset. Turn off the radio. Shut down facebook. Whatever it takes muffling isn't going to cut it. 

As for Will and I - I realized the other day I'm just so in love with him. We had the Mormon Channel interview us about our experince with his stroke-- and how we have made it through it all. I found myself just telling them how lucky I am to be with him. How happy I am that he survived. Seven years later - and with the trials still pouring in-- The bad isn't what stands out. His hundreds of job resumes without response, my plowing through the wee hours in the morning to get my work projects done. None of that really stands out at the end. What stands out is us. I love this man more than ever. I am so grateful for his hard work. He has never given up . He still sends out resumes and we're enrolled in another set of classes to get him some medical coding certificates. I am so proud of him. Someday he'll find his job, but in the meantime, we have each other and that is all that matters.

Keep with us on our journey all!

Summer

Family- Isn't it about time ;)

I've been thinking lately about how hard things can get. The day to day routine, the work schedules, cleaning the house, raising the kids, potty training, sleep training, and the list goes on...its hard to breath in the middle of it all. 

After this particularly busy week I decided to try an experiment. Instead of working or kicking back to watch a movie at the end of this week I planned a date with my husband. We read under the stars. It was wonderful. It helped me to see more clearly what I had been missing. I was missing him!  

I guess the lesson is-- no matter how busy you get- NEVER be too busy for your family. They bring it all in perspective. They are the most valuable thing we should be doing with our time.

We're still really busy, as you can guess because this blog has got no love from us lately. But my husband is headed in a good direction.  He may be going back to school next month and we're looking into a totally different career field (again ;) That is all I'll tell you for now so stay tuned for more next time. Meanwhile, keep with us on our journey- even when we slack in keeping up with the blog.  We're still here. 

She's here!!

I can't believe how much I have neglected this blog! I hope you are out there and you are still reading. We are still here. My biggest excuse for not writing is about 8 lbs right now and keeps me up every other hour of the night!  Our baby girl was born March 8th at 11:30 pm. She came into the world in a hurry. I barley got to the hospital in time to get the epideral and deliver her 30 minutes later. Yikes- that was a close one!

She has quickly taken her place as the apple of my boys eyes. The boys and Will adore her! It is sweet how cute they are with her!  As for the other excuse for not blogging - Will is working more! He is working at a small medical marketing start up company with some other guys downtown Salt Lake City. They do writing, doctor referral marketing, SEO, and so on. Check them out and send some business their way http://www.targamedia.com/med/. It is a great group of guys- especially cause my guy is one of them ;)

As for what happens instead- We are busy busy parents of a busy busy toddler and two other kiddies too. My newborn is robbing me of my sleep and sometimes I think my toddler is robbing me of my sanity. With Will and I's work schedule picking up -- we have to work harder to be able to work together. But our family is worth the work and worth the hard. I'm glad I have a husband on board- that doesn't stop when the going gets rough.

Focusing on people not things

I know I write a lot about what matters most in this blog. I think our situation, really pushes us to focus on the basics, because so much of what is not basic was lost. That dream of a Dr's career, the big house, the nice cars, the exoctic vacations, and so on... I don't really think it is a bad thing that we didn't get or for now don't have these things. I actually believe that someday when we do have more "financial opportunity" it will be more difficult for me to focus on what matters most. Things can "cloud" up what matters most. I don't mean that they always do I just think they can.

I am so grateful for my husband and baby boys and the baby I carry. I feel so lucky to have them. I don't know what I would do without them. It's a lot of work to keep up with - the young mother thing, working at night, helping my husband regain a career in the medical field, and so on-- but everytime I think about the work-- I know I am doing the work for the things that matter most. It matters most that I can be home with my litttle ones and help provide. It matters most that my husband is busy everyday "rebuilding" a career. It matters most that we are all healthy and together. What matters most is that the Savior in his ultimate sacrifce in giving his life so that my husband can "heal" from his physical aliments, and we have the promise of an eternity as a family in this life and the next. I am grateful for my family and for my faith. These are the things that matter most. 

Let it Go

I just watched Frozen with my husband and little boy Ben. In the movie there is a song that I just love... where the ice princess finally accepts who she is and walks away from everyone who has told her to be different, and hold back. I think I'll give 2013 the "Let it Go" theme. Walk away from everyone's expectations- on what my hubby should be doing with his life, what kind of parent I should be, how I should disipline, how many kids I should have, and the list goes on.

Reaching inward is so much more empowering than reaching outward. Trying to get acceptance from all the wrong places just makes things wrong. The less I listen to the "naysayers" the happier I am with me. When I "Let it Go" I become responsible for my own future- and I'm not passing the buck  or blaming someone else who has different ideas or plans for us.

I guess if I were to turn the phrase "Let it go" into something else- it would be "Forgive" don't let anyone be responsible for your happiness. Let it go. Let go what is hard- and be yourself. Only then can you become who you truly want to be. This theme may need to spill into 2014 as I'm still pinching myself when I have unkind thoughts about whatever issues I might be feeling inadequte about. We can be whoever we want to be. But the only way to be that person is to Let go of the people we are not - angry, hurt, fearful.

This Christmas

Friday night we decided to throw out the list of Christmas to dos- shop, bake, clean, visit, and so on, to spend our evening with just our boys. We walked through the down town lights, lingered in a few playgrounds, chased after horse drawn carriages and waited in line at a small cafe for hot chocolate, warm soup and deluxe sanwhiches.

I guess I thought becuase I had spent a majority of my life single and traveling and reading and meeting new people - I had already come to know the best there was. But I did not know the best was yet to come. Marrying Will has been great. Building a family with him has been even better. I think the holidays make this more apparent than other times during the year. 

My heart is full. Sharing this season with my eternal companion and two beautiful children.  Nothing compares with these three relationships. Watching them grow and forge character that would not be there without the warmth of love and their forgiving ways. I am so grateful for my husband, for his life and for his goodness. I am grateful he is willing to work by my side to build our family. 

This Christmas season I hope you take time to be grateful for the greatest gifts you have been given.Take time to throw out the Christmas to do list to enjoy what matters most. 

We've been blessed

The other day our landlord told me he could see real improvement in my husband. He has known us only for a year. So it is interesting that we are still getting comments like this. I guess it's interesting because I thought I was the only one who could tell year to year. You have to know Will very well to know what he might be lacking at this point. I don't even know if extended family could pick out new developments in his recovery-- maybe they can ---  I should ask.

My husband does recover more all of the time. I have spent some time thinking about what is was that made me fall in love with him (again) after the stroke. For those who know our story they know we had been broken up for a year when he had a stroke. He was living in Ohio and I was living in Utah- it took me nine months to move on but I did and then the stroke happend.

He had changed. His processing was dramatically altered when we started dating seriously again. Ultimately I knew I wasn't marrying him for the man he could someday be, but five years ago, I was marrying him for the man he was. For the man he still was. He was kind. He loved the Lord, he was faithful, he refused to give up, he worked hard... Will has always been all the things I ever wanted in a husband. And even though five years ago his earning potential was pretty much non-existent, this was secondary to me. Primarily, I knew I couldn't live without him. That no matter what happened I wanted to be with him.

Now five years into our continuing saga. I love him more than ever. His earning potential grows exponetially everyday. He is in a critical stage for the "regaining of his career" I am seeing mental capabilities come back that have not been there in years past. He takes more initative and takes more notes and has more follow through ability than I have seen in him since the stroke. I think my husband has a bright future. And even though I didn't marry him for the "bright career future" bit, it is nice to see the Lord blessing him in this way.

I guess if this blog has a theme it is. The Lord is good. He allows healing to happen on a lot of levels, physical, mental, emotional and so on. He allows tradgey to move to good and even on to be great. He blesses us in so many ways. More than we could imagine. So if you happen to be on day one of your own "personal tradgey" Have faith. And know that the Lord is good. He will bless you and heal you. And someday you will enjoy blessings beyond anything you could imagine.

It's a...

We haven't forgotten about this blog. We are still here. I think life gets more "normal" as time goes on. Like the things we thought we couldn't live with are becoming more bearable…. aka Will not being a doctor or not finding the perfect career off the bat - even though he has incredible potential.

It really is relationships, and not the careers or things, that make life bearable. That make life worthwhile. We are very happy together. We are very happy with our children. We feel very blessed. Meanwhile, Will is still writing - he has been writing more the past few months and this is great! I can only imagine that it will be just a matter of time before Will is in a rewarding full time career/job. As for now though- having a husband around so much to help with the kids and laundry is out of this world. I don't know what I will do when he does find that full time gig!  I love him more everyday. What a wonderful man I married. I can't wait for the rest of our life!

ps You're also due for a little announcement. We are having a baby girl!!!! We are soooo excited!!!