Holding On

So much of our experince in this life has to do with perception. Our perceptions of situations turn into "stories" that then dictate our attitude. I have been working lately to change the "story" I tell myself. I don't think it is fair to hold the future hostage with unrealistic expectations. For my husband sometimes I tell myself he won't ever find a good job. It's been more than five years and the hope of becoming a doctor has waned and we are still not sure where to go next. Sometimes I tell myself things like "it's not fair" or "no one understands." But these are all just stories.

We all have our own demons that we just can't let go of - as horrible as they are for us. I know we can let go. I know I can let go. I'm trying to change my story so our future is better. It doesn't do any good to complain. It doesn't do any good to hold grudges. I'm learning these things only hurt my relationship my my husband and kids. Faith comes before the miracles. Sometimes I feel that by holding onto my fears I am forgoing a better way. I have a sense that if I can change "stories" I tell myself (that are not accurate), it will change our life for the better.

What are the demons you are holding onto? What are the stories you are telling yourself that aren't true?  Lets change them together :)

Summer

Announcement

So we were planning on having another baby in a year or two, but looks like something else happened instead...We're pregnant and entering my second trimester. Our baby is due March 11th. I spent the first week in disbelief - not sure if I was ready to take on this new responsibility. Our oldest boy has really taken me for a spin lately. Keeping up with his terrible two's has just about done me in. I think the thought of doing the same thing every year for at least the next couple years with two more two-year-olds is enough to make me crazy. So as I was writing myself this crazy tale a few things occurred to me:

The first is- there is no greater gift on this earth than the gift of a child. The blessings each child brings into our lives are endless. The relationship we enjoy with each one is priceless, and the love we get in return is never ending. We feel so blessed to be bringing this child in our home. We pray for the power and ability to provide the best opportunities for this baby and our other boys. As we pray for this confirmation the Lord has helped us feel like He will provide- as they are His children too.

We are grateful and overwhelmed right now. We feel dwarfed by the enormous responsibility that is before us. Now more than ever- we close our eyes and believe. We have faith in the future. We know we can do hard things. We are grateful that we don't have to do those hard things alone and that soon we will have three (instead of two) beautiful children lending us their smiles and holding us up in our most difficult of times. We know the Lord will sustain us and we pray for his strength as we try to be worthy of His care.

The hardest part

What is the hardest part of dealing with some unexpected life event. For us it has been adjusting to a new reality and not knowing what that new reality is. Living with so many unanswered questions. Where is my husband in the recovery spectrum-- he's long since bumped off the the "officially disabled" list, but is he where he was before? If not how close is he from that spot.

I guess the reality is that we will not ever be where we were before. His mind changed forever that day. The stroke did that. Since his stroke our hearts changed - our life experince did that.  Our family size has changed - time passing did that. And now our dreams are even shifting. Somedays I feel like I'm back in college picking a career. Going one way, trying that for a minute than moving back a different direction. It's been very hard to let go of the doctor thing. He chose a career he worked for that career he paid more than a mortgage for the education for that career. Looking back trying to finagle a way back in has been some of our lifes work some years. But ultimately - dreams can change and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Living the unexpected doesn't mean living worse off. It means getting creative and making every minute count. It means making the most of what you have. It means closing your eyes and shutting out all the noise and finding out what really matters.

The hardest part is believeing there is something better and then what you were living before. Believing everyday is going to be better. That all the hard work will pay off and you will be OK. The easiet part is the why. The why we're doing it. Why you rise from the ashes and move forward. We do it for each other. We do it for our kids. There isn't a mountain I wouldn't move for my husband and children, and I know my husband would do the same for me and our kids.

Stop waiting

At some point you have to stop waiting, and you just need to start living. Living the life you didn't plan. It seems like we are always on the fence just watching and hoping for our turn to put my husband back in the Game. When he had his stroke, he was single. A lot has changed since then. A marriage and two little boys. He hasn't returned to any full time employment during this time. Everything around him has changed- but his career is still on pause. It's too long to wait and hope. It's too long to wait and be sad about what we don't have. I often envision myself in the shoes of some early pioneers or in the shoes of my Grandma during the depression. Who lived in small one room homes with multiple children, grateful to just have food on the table. I've said this before- but the worst thing that can happen to a person is not that they don't get that five star mansion and great car they always dreamed of, the worst thing that could happen to a person is unhealthy relationships and broken family ties.

We don't have mansion- but we do have a strong family. Somehow this is enough. We are thrilled to have this. Now I am not trying to say that everyday that passes that my husband does not have a job isn't very hard on him. It is. I'm trying to say it's no reason to stop living. It's no reason to be sad. Hard times bring sorrow but they don't have to bring depression. At some point you need to live the life that is given to you and be happy about it. It's OK that things happen differently, sometimes I think it is better that things don't happen the way we plan. Our character is forged in these moments and relationships can be stronger because of the turbulence. For people wrapped up in"things" and who starve their relationships-- I would have to say a stroke isn't such a bad idea- is that just horrible for me to say :). Anything that slows us down and turns us towards the things that matter most-- will be well worth our while.

Missing out

Have you ever been so busy and so preoccupied that you felt like you were just missing out on everything that is or used to be important to you? Maybe I should ask this one differently-- do you ever drop whatever is bothering you and really just enjoy your young kids, or the sunset, or the night sky or a walk in the evening?  I don't know if I tried to quantify the moments that I take time to smell the roses, with the moments I'm fussing about what I need to catch up on and who I need to call and so on…if I would be really disappointed in the results. 

Part of me thinks I would but the other part of me thinks… this is my season and I am really not missing out on things as much as I think. I'm just moving in double time. I'm doubling up on being mommy, on keeping the house clean, laundry, working, helping out my husband with his writing business, nurturing family and friend relationships, because sometimes I get behind on these too. 

I don't really want to miss the roses and my sons say and do the cutest things everyday. I'm just hoping that I don't look back with regret at the end of it all….Wish us luck.

Something even better

What does it all mean? It's such a big difference. Living on a Doctor's salary or living on less than nothing at all within a few years. Reconciling the debt behind medical school and the bills that goes towards the recovery from a stroke. It's quite a big blow. How will we ever get ahead now? How is my husband supposed to feel about this?

A big house, nice cars, huge backyard, lets throw in trips to Italy, a boat or a cabin. This is the kind of future he was working for and hoping for. A life where finances was not a struggle. He really deserves these things right? Eight years in college, 30 hour residency shifts…. and the list goes on.

When you are actually living this reality, you think about it a lot. You think about what if we had this or what if we could go do this? It's easy to feel gipped. It's easy to be really disappointed, depressed even. But we aren't. Want to know why? We've discovered something even better.

Whenever my husband and I think about "what if," or "why did this happen?" - it always comes back to what we have now. A really great family and a lot of love. We don't ever feel wanting. Our kids are OK. We're OK-- meaning does not come from things it comes from you and me. It comes from us. 

A little more courage

Sometimes I think everyone has forgotten. It's like it never happened. The "new" man after the stroke is the new norm. It's hard because I feel like with all the forgetting, we are the only ones dealing with whats going on now. I don't think we will ever have the guy he was more than five years ago before the stroke. There are things that changed that day that cannot be prayed away or undone. I don't mean to sound like he isn't making progress or he hasn't come a really long way. I just mean to say that the new norm is NOT a problem, but it is fraught with it's own unique challenges.

I don't know if I could detail out for you in this post what the "leftover" affects from the stroke are. I can detail for you that I like him better now than then. I like the way he sees the world now- I like the things he appreciates life and I like the way he has overcome(and continues to overcome) such a difficult physical calamity.

Things are bittersweet with his career at current. Hoping for a future that is pretty undefined at this point is hard, but it is exciting to think that we will be able to leverage his medical school knowledge to write for other doctors who might not have the time…. So in the meantime- I know some people have not forgotten. For those of you out there, I hope you know how much we appreciate your prayers and thoughts, they give us a little more courage - when our faith is not as bright as we would like.