Missing out

Have you ever been so busy and so preoccupied that you felt like you were just missing out on everything that is or used to be important to you? Maybe I should ask this one differently-- do you ever drop whatever is bothering you and really just enjoy your young kids, or the sunset, or the night sky or a walk in the evening?  I don't know if I tried to quantify the moments that I take time to smell the roses, with the moments I'm fussing about what I need to catch up on and who I need to call and so on…if I would be really disappointed in the results. 

Part of me thinks I would but the other part of me thinks… this is my season and I am really not missing out on things as much as I think. I'm just moving in double time. I'm doubling up on being mommy, on keeping the house clean, laundry, working, helping out my husband with his writing business, nurturing family and friend relationships, because sometimes I get behind on these too. 

I don't really want to miss the roses and my sons say and do the cutest things everyday. I'm just hoping that I don't look back with regret at the end of it all….Wish us luck.

Something even better

What does it all mean? It's such a big difference. Living on a Doctor's salary or living on less than nothing at all within a few years. Reconciling the debt behind medical school and the bills that goes towards the recovery from a stroke. It's quite a big blow. How will we ever get ahead now? How is my husband supposed to feel about this?

A big house, nice cars, huge backyard, lets throw in trips to Italy, a boat or a cabin. This is the kind of future he was working for and hoping for. A life where finances was not a struggle. He really deserves these things right? Eight years in college, 30 hour residency shifts…. and the list goes on.

When you are actually living this reality, you think about it a lot. You think about what if we had this or what if we could go do this? It's easy to feel gipped. It's easy to be really disappointed, depressed even. But we aren't. Want to know why? We've discovered something even better.

Whenever my husband and I think about "what if," or "why did this happen?" - it always comes back to what we have now. A really great family and a lot of love. We don't ever feel wanting. Our kids are OK. We're OK-- meaning does not come from things it comes from you and me. It comes from us. 

A little more courage

Sometimes I think everyone has forgotten. It's like it never happened. The "new" man after the stroke is the new norm. It's hard because I feel like with all the forgetting, we are the only ones dealing with whats going on now. I don't think we will ever have the guy he was more than five years ago before the stroke. There are things that changed that day that cannot be prayed away or undone. I don't mean to sound like he isn't making progress or he hasn't come a really long way. I just mean to say that the new norm is NOT a problem, but it is fraught with it's own unique challenges.

I don't know if I could detail out for you in this post what the "leftover" affects from the stroke are. I can detail for you that I like him better now than then. I like the way he sees the world now- I like the things he appreciates life and I like the way he has overcome(and continues to overcome) such a difficult physical calamity.

Things are bittersweet with his career at current. Hoping for a future that is pretty undefined at this point is hard, but it is exciting to think that we will be able to leverage his medical school knowledge to write for other doctors who might not have the time…. So in the meantime- I know some people have not forgotten. For those of you out there, I hope you know how much we appreciate your prayers and thoughts, they give us a little more courage - when our faith is not as bright as we would like.

Here to stay

I'm here and I am back on topic. I wanted to say things have been hard lately for my husband. He has been drilling into his writing career as fast and as furiously as possible, but he is really feeling like it isn't fast enough. He says things like "I haven't provided for this family for five years- I'm so sick of this!" He wants a job and he wants to be providing soon!  For me I'm just thrilled he gets to "re-invent" himself. This medical writing field has enormous possibilities. It will mean, hopeful someday, that not one minute in medical school was wasted and that his residency experience did not go away with his stroke.

We are all dealing with our own demons and I continue to admire the amount of endurance my husband has shown as he takes up his cross. I know their are a lot of people out there that are living the life that happened - Instead of what they planned. And that is OK, actually it is more than OK, it is better than what it would have been. So while we don't rejoice over the damage the stroke has done- we'd never wish it away.

Stay with us on our life journey and find out "what happens instead.."

Summer