Two weeks ago my husband fainted and sliced his head open

Two weeks ago my husband fainted and sliced his head open. It was 6 am and I jumped out of bed to find him bleeding and half conscience in the bathroom. I was terrified for two reasons - I was so afraid that it was going to be another stroke and I was so afraid of what this type of experience would do to my psyche.

I used to write to unravel all of the thoughts swirling around in my mind and put sense to some of the more difficult to comprehend concepts. So, in other words, I wrote when my heart just couldn't understand what my brain was telling me.

The more I have participated in this activity the more I think my brain actually fools me sometimes. I say this because I have residual anxiety from having had Maddy fall in the fire and I'm sure from a lifetime of stress - or responsibilities that I figured I could handle without help from anyone else or from God. Now with Will's fall and potential of really bad things happening - I was so afraid of where my mind might go.

I am a storyteller, but sometimes storytelling comes at a cost though. The stories we tell ourselves, that are not true, can literally hurt us.

Compare it to any time you have told yourself the following.... "what if I lose someone I love..." or "so and so doesn't like me." or  "I'm not good enough to do that..." or "I've tried changing but I can't...". You get my point.

For me, the curse of telling myself anything that isn't true at this juncture in my life is that it literally can conjure up a panic attack- like my body is "protecting me" from the pending doom I've imagined-- even though it didn't or will not happen.

I wish I was alone in my fear of the unknown and doubt of other's acceptance, but I think it is human nature to be afraid of the things we can't see or feel, and instead of bringing out the best in us- it brings out the worst in us. We assume the worst will happen and we respond accordingly.

With all this weighing heavy on me, I sometimes stop telling stories to stave off the anxiety. But really it's still there, I'm still afraid. I'm starting to believe the only way to really stave off the fear is to have faith. Faith that the worst won't happen and that people do like me and that even when they don't I will still be OK. And most of all that people will and can change - not because I tell them to but because they are good and they want to return to live with their Heavenly Father again too. He wants them there and knows the best way to recover each one of us from our "fallen" states.

Finally, I know it was mean of me to wait until the end to finish Will's story- but I guess I wanted to make a point. Even if the worst had happened two weeks ago- I would have been OK. I am OK. We are all OK. We don't have to beat ourselves up so much- we don't have to beat others up so much. We are OK.

After Will fell I carried him to the bed. Called my mom to watch the kids and started getting ready to go to the hospital. In the moment I stepped onto my front porch to see if my mom had arrived- instead, I heard a car door open across the street. It was my neighbor, a doctor, on the way to work. He came over and told us Will was not having a stroke. He was just dehydrated.

We stayed home. My mom went back to her day. Will was fine (as was later confirmed by his stroke doctor as well).  In fact, Will's stroke doctor also confirmed had we gone into the ER it would have been an entire day's worth of lengthy and expensive tests.

As much as the stories we tell ourselves make us feel like we are in a losing battle- it is so far from the truth. God knew all along that the timing of Will's fall would coincide with the doctor leaving for work. He is in the wings, He is there to catch us. We aren't alone. We can and should have faith instead of fear.

It's been forever

I'm not sure this blog will get any views, but I don't know that I can leave it empty. For anyone who follows my wonderful husband on his journey- I want you to know how well he is doing.

As you read about our horrible summer last year. You now know my daughter has scars from tripping into a fire. I have scars as well- only my scars are different. Hers are visible and every time I look at them I have a choice to see my scars differently. The choice to not feel guilty and wonder "if she would have had a better mother in that moment- would things be different?" This choice I have to make- happens often. She could be a living reminder to me that I missed out on saving her - and unfortunately that has been the case at times in my uphill journey to find myself to love myself again.

I know my daughter and I aren't the only ones with scars. We all have them. Hers are just more visible. But no matter how well you can see the trauma in a person's life- or not, its still a part of them. Will's stroke is still a part of him.  I feel like I'm finally turning a corner in my life and accepting heartache and pain as what it is- a lesson for us, a challenge to turn to God, instead of away from Him.

Someday when my daughter is 16 and hoping a boy she likes will ask her on a date- will she let her scars embarrass her? Will she try to hide them so she doesn't have to talk about it- or will it be a way to leverage a conversation. Will she view this unattractive piece of her body as unwanted? Or will she see it as a way to build others. Teach resilience and acceptance and be an example of someone who is brave despite insecurities and short comings. I hope the choice she makes when that day comes - will be to stand as a light on a hill. Not being defined by her scars rather being defined by the person she has become- just like her dad has done.

A Horrible Summer

This "what happens instead" blog is not one I have been looking forward to writing. I've just been plain sad and heart broken for months now. I don't even like to talk about it, but I would be ungrateful if I didn't.

This past summer my daughter fell face first into a camp fire. The incident landed us on a life flight and a we had a very frightening next few weeks and months. I was literally shaking for the first week after it all happened. Panic attacks took over my every hour. I was terrified to be alone. Watching her wince and scream in pain every time we pinned her down to change her dressings was unbearable. How could something so horrible happen? I was a few feet away, but she still fell. I wasn't able to spare her from such a terrible accident. I was useless. 

Trying to come to grips with this has been the hardest part of the whole experience. Why would God let such a bad thing happen. To me and to Madison? For the first time in the my life I thought and felt like God was just plain cruel. Like he didn't love me enough to protect me or my daughter. I ignored the service that poured in after the accident. The people who stayed by my side for weeks after the accident. The friends who cleaned my house and delivered groceries, the family who prayed and fasted for me. The neighbors who came to help change the dressings. I was just too sad. It was unreal and it was not fair. 

What happened this summer was totally unexpected. My baby was hurt. Her skin was forever changed. There were burns on her face, arms, hand and tummy. Things happened that neither I nor any doctor could change. The scars would be there for life. 

But through my tears and ridiculous chastisements to my Lord and Savior - He sent down angels. Literal angels from heaven, who caught my daughter while she was falling into the fire. Secured her up in just the right way so she could roll out of the fire and the worst burns would totally miss the crucial areas. The burns on her face and hand and elbow were insignificant. The ones on her belly and upper arm will always be covered by clothing and not require any skin grafts. 

The angels were also there every time I wept in my back yard to yell at God, after my husband and children had gone to sleep. The angels stayed by me and God just listened to me. He let me experience the anguish that comes from such a dramatic experience, and when I was ready He wrapped me in His arms and carried me. 

What happened instead this summer is - I learned for myself God lives. That He loves me and knows EXACTLY what is going on. He weeps with us and comforts us. I will never be the same person I was before my daughters accident(and I am still afraid I will mess up again), but I have begun to see my role as a mother in a totally different light. I put down my phone and turn off my computer screen to talk kids more often now and we dance in the living room more than we ever had before the accident. Now instead of tears of sadness, I weep tears of joy when I am with them. I am so grateful to have them. I love my little family with everything I am. I am also so grateful for my Heavenly Father. I pray I can be worthy of His love - even in my darkest hours.

Love,

Summer

p.s. I know I write sporadically in this blog so I hope you'll still keep with us on our journey. We love you and pray for you!

Something better...

Photo Credit:Will Blackhurst

I assume theses words will reach some eyes so I will continue to share, when I can, what it is to have your whole world change and try to start new. I know these entries are much like a calendar ticking further and further away from the day Will had his stroke(more than eight years ago). It's easy to forget anything happened at all after a while. We have our new normal. The kids hardly know that dad was ever a doctor and it will be years before they understand at one moment he was on deaths door.

These moments define a person, though. Will and I of course feel more deeply for anyone who has the rug jerked out from underneath them as they struggle with new health challenges or unexpected life changes. I think the biggest change, is as much as we would like to complain - because we didn't land a career with excess cash, or haven't been able to have a bigger house, or travel as much or eat out very much - we can't complain. It would be so ungrateful of us if we did. We got something better than a big house or exotic vacations. We found out what was more important. We found the stuff so many people would give their whole life to have--not only did Will live but we found an incredible love. On the other side of a whole lot of horrible we found peace.

What has happened instead? We aren't so angry anymore when the fairness scales do not tip in our favor. In our extremities we have come to know that faith in our Savior can lift us from the darkest of days. That happiness has little to do with worldly favor or wealth and everything to do with how you choose to rise when you're knocked down. Who you choose to follow in your darkest of days. I know we aren't the only ones who can sing this song. I know there are so many out there that have ridden through the rain of pain of loss and sadness and found something better. I just join my voice with them - I know my Savior lives, He is aware of us and in fact it is in these most difficult times when His greatness is revealed.

D&C 6:34 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if you are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

Holding on

It was a long time ago that Will and I met. We have known each other 14 years and it took us five years to get to the point where we openly admitted that we carried a torch for one another. It seems so long ago - a year before Will's stroke he decided that he would give "us" a try.  He was confusing. I wasn't sure how to follow in the dance steps that seemed to have me twirling one minute and on the sidelines another. So when he finally took my hand November 2006 after a symphony concert I was thrilled and scared and wondering- what is this guy thinking?

Now that we are another nine years past that wonderful day when he first took my hand and held my heart with it - I admit we still step on each others toes at times. I still wonder- What is this guy thinking? It has taken years of spinning and missteps and sometimes injured feelings to understand how to make this dance count. To learn how to follow him and make sure he knows where I will go next. But I will tell you one thing for sure - from the moment my man returned home after his stroke I have never sat on the sidelines. He is always there for me. He lets me know how much I mean to him. He loves me more than I deserve I am sure. He is my cheerleader, my best friend and my eternal companion. So I am glad that even though we have a long time to go before we figure each other out and even though life gets in the way - ALL THE TIME! My partner has never once taken his eye off the prize. I am so grateful for such a loving husband and a beautiful family. I love him with everything I am!

To love another person...

The thought of wars abroad and contention in our homeland have been a real downer for me lately. I'm not sure why these things have been weighing on my heart- it could be the political climate in the world - with terrorism threats and the contentions within religions and against organized religions. But sometimes you sit down at the end of the day and wonder if there is any good in the world. I'm convinced that we don't find God in the noise and the loud clamors for justice. But we find him in the quiet whisperings for mercy and subdued tones of humility. We find him in on our knees, and in our whispers to him for understanding and peace.

Another place we find God is in our love for others and from others. "To love another person is to see the face of God," Victor Hugo.  I don't think we can spend enough time telling someone we care about them or showing them by serving them. No time is misspent when it is in the service of our fellowman.  And the more we dwell on how much we have been hurt by another person and how much so and so needs to pay for their misdeeds, that time is a complete waste.

Love conquers all. No matter the heartache and pain there will always be love, and compassion. And if for some reason it isn't staring you in the face - go out and find it because as long as I have lived I have never ceased to be impressed with the unending sacrifice and compassion of others. There is always someone to love and that will love you back, even if it is simply our Savior Jesus Christ-reach out to Him and He will not leave you without.

As for our better day -- Will got a promotion at his job and is still soldiering through a years worth of classes so he can get a certificate for Health Information management. We are closing on a home in Kaysville tomorrow and we couldn't be more thrilled. And finally our children are the light in our life. They are sweet and loving and I don't know what I will do when my cute baby is too old to hold and snuggle. We love being parents and we love being married.

Keeping up

I'm going to say it. It's cliche coming from a young mom, but I am going to say it. I AM TIRED! I can't seem to catch a break! Every time I plan to get to bed earlier my kids wake up more during the night and every time I want a longer afternoon nap- that is when I have to do laundry or clean or follow through with my threat to take away tv privileges (which I think every mom knows it's harder on us than it is the children! Without the tv we are their 24/7 entertainment!)

What does this have to do with "what happens instead" -- well I think life happens instead. It isn't as glamorous as it seems- the cute toddler the adorable baby and the handsome pre-kindergartener-- they all take tons of work! And when I say tons I mean TONS of work. What I am learning though, isn't to just slow down and enjoy these days where the hugs and calling for mom never end. It's how to better manage my time. To save time for each one of my children, for my husband and for myself and for neighbors and friends and other family members. It really is all important and instead of wishing away a piece of these relationships -- I think it is possible to hold onto them and nourish them even with limited time. The secret is time management -- don't get caught too long on Facebook or in that well deserved nap. Take time to prepare a head so when those relationship opportunities present themselves you can embrace them. And you don't have to push away your toddler because you forgot to shop for a meal and now you're scrambling or you don't have to say no to crossing the street to say hi to a friend because you already cleaned your room.

I know it isn't possible to be 100 percent all of the time on all of this. But I am learning it is more important than ever to keep on top of things so the things that matter most have most of your time. I hope this blog wasn't too "mommy blog" - I think it applies to pretty much anyone with a lot on their plate (which is almost everybody). Stay with us on our journey. We love you and appreciate your thoughts and prayers.