A Horrible Summer

This "what happens instead" blog is not one I have been looking forward to writing. I've just been plain sad and heart broken for months now. I don't even like to talk about it, but I would be ungrateful if I didn't.

This past summer my daughter fell face first into a camp fire. The incident landed us on a life flight and a we had a very frightening next few weeks and months. I was literally shaking for the first week after it all happened. Panic attacks took over my every hour. I was terrified to be alone. Watching her wince and scream in pain every time we pinned her down to change her dressings was unbearable. How could something so horrible happen? I was a few feet away, but she still fell. I wasn't able to spare her from such a terrible accident. I was useless. 

Trying to come to grips with this has been the hardest part of the whole experience. Why would God let such a bad thing happen. To me and to Madison? For the first time in the my life I thought and felt like God was just plain cruel. Like he didn't love me enough to protect me or my daughter. I ignored the service that poured in after the accident. The people who stayed by my side for weeks after the accident. The friends who cleaned my house and delivered groceries, the family who prayed and fasted for me. The neighbors who came to help change the dressings. I was just too sad. It was unreal and it was not fair. 

What happened this summer was totally unexpected. My baby was hurt. Her skin was forever changed. There were burns on her face, arms, hand and tummy. Things happened that neither I nor any doctor could change. The scars would be there for life. 

But through my tears and ridiculous chastisements to my Lord and Savior - He sent down angels. Literal angels from heaven, who caught my daughter while she was falling into the fire. Secured her up in just the right way so she could roll out of the fire and the worst burns would totally miss the crucial areas. The burns on her face and hand and elbow were insignificant. The ones on her belly and upper arm will always be covered by clothing and not require any skin grafts. 

The angels were also there every time I wept in my back yard to yell at God, after my husband and children had gone to sleep. The angels stayed by me and God just listened to me. He let me experience the anguish that comes from such a dramatic experience, and when I was ready He wrapped me in His arms and carried me. 

What happened instead this summer is - I learned for myself God lives. That He loves me and knows EXACTLY what is going on. He weeps with us and comforts us. I will never be the same person I was before my daughters accident(and I am still afraid I will mess up again), but I have begun to see my role as a mother in a totally different light. I put down my phone and turn off my computer screen to talk kids more often now and we dance in the living room more than we ever had before the accident. Now instead of tears of sadness, I weep tears of joy when I am with them. I am so grateful to have them. I love my little family with everything I am. I am also so grateful for my Heavenly Father. I pray I can be worthy of His love - even in my darkest hours.

Love,

Summer

p.s. I know I write sporadically in this blog so I hope you'll still keep with us on our journey. We love you and pray for you!

Something better...

Photo Credit:Will Blackhurst

I assume theses words will reach some eyes so I will continue to share, when I can, what it is to have your whole world change and try to start new. I know these entries are much like a calendar ticking further and further away from the day Will had his stroke(more than eight years ago). It's easy to forget anything happened at all after a while. We have our new normal. The kids hardly know that dad was ever a doctor and it will be years before they understand at one moment he was on deaths door.

These moments define a person, though. Will and I of course feel more deeply for anyone who has the rug jerked out from underneath them as they struggle with new health challenges or unexpected life changes. I think the biggest change, is as much as we would like to complain - because we didn't land a career with excess cash, or haven't been able to have a bigger house, or travel as much or eat out very much - we can't complain. It would be so ungrateful of us if we did. We got something better than a big house or exotic vacations. We found out what was more important. We found the stuff so many people would give their whole life to have--not only did Will live but we found an incredible love. On the other side of a whole lot of horrible we found peace.

What has happened instead? We aren't so angry anymore when the fairness scales do not tip in our favor. In our extremities we have come to know that faith in our Savior can lift us from the darkest of days. That happiness has little to do with worldly favor or wealth and everything to do with how you choose to rise when you're knocked down. Who you choose to follow in your darkest of days. I know we aren't the only ones who can sing this song. I know there are so many out there that have ridden through the rain of pain of loss and sadness and found something better. I just join my voice with them - I know my Savior lives, He is aware of us and in fact it is in these most difficult times when His greatness is revealed.

D&C 6:34 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if you are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

Holding on

It was a long time ago that Will and I met. We have known each other 14 years and it took us five years to get to the point where we openly admitted that we carried a torch for one another. It seems so long ago - a year before Will's stroke he decided that he would give "us" a try.  He was confusing. I wasn't sure how to follow in the dance steps that seemed to have me twirling one minute and on the sidelines another. So when he finally took my hand November 2006 after a symphony concert I was thrilled and scared and wondering- what is this guy thinking?

Now that we are another nine years past that wonderful day when he first took my hand and held my heart with it - I admit we still step on each others toes at times. I still wonder- What is this guy thinking? It has taken years of spinning and missteps and sometimes injured feelings to understand how to make this dance count. To learn how to follow him and make sure he knows where I will go next. But I will tell you one thing for sure - from the moment my man returned home after his stroke I have never sat on the sidelines. He is always there for me. He lets me know how much I mean to him. He loves me more than I deserve I am sure. He is my cheerleader, my best friend and my eternal companion. So I am glad that even though we have a long time to go before we figure each other out and even though life gets in the way - ALL THE TIME! My partner has never once taken his eye off the prize. I am so grateful for such a loving husband and a beautiful family. I love him with everything I am!

To love another person...

The thought of wars abroad and contention in our homeland have been a real downer for me lately. I'm not sure why these things have been weighing on my heart- it could be the political climate in the world - with terrorism threats and the contentions within religions and against organized religions. But sometimes you sit down at the end of the day and wonder if there is any good in the world. I'm convinced that we don't find God in the noise and the loud clamors for justice. But we find him in the quiet whisperings for mercy and subdued tones of humility. We find him in on our knees, and in our whispers to him for understanding and peace.

Another place we find God is in our love for others and from others. "To love another person is to see the face of God," Victor Hugo.  I don't think we can spend enough time telling someone we care about them or showing them by serving them. No time is misspent when it is in the service of our fellowman.  And the more we dwell on how much we have been hurt by another person and how much so and so needs to pay for their misdeeds, that time is a complete waste.

Love conquers all. No matter the heartache and pain there will always be love, and compassion. And if for some reason it isn't staring you in the face - go out and find it because as long as I have lived I have never ceased to be impressed with the unending sacrifice and compassion of others. There is always someone to love and that will love you back, even if it is simply our Savior Jesus Christ-reach out to Him and He will not leave you without.

As for our better day -- Will got a promotion at his job and is still soldiering through a years worth of classes so he can get a certificate for Health Information management. We are closing on a home in Kaysville tomorrow and we couldn't be more thrilled. And finally our children are the light in our life. They are sweet and loving and I don't know what I will do when my cute baby is too old to hold and snuggle. We love being parents and we love being married.

Keeping up

I'm going to say it. It's cliche coming from a young mom, but I am going to say it. I AM TIRED! I can't seem to catch a break! Every time I plan to get to bed earlier my kids wake up more during the night and every time I want a longer afternoon nap- that is when I have to do laundry or clean or follow through with my threat to take away tv privileges (which I think every mom knows it's harder on us than it is the children! Without the tv we are their 24/7 entertainment!)

What does this have to do with "what happens instead" -- well I think life happens instead. It isn't as glamorous as it seems- the cute toddler the adorable baby and the handsome pre-kindergartener-- they all take tons of work! And when I say tons I mean TONS of work. What I am learning though, isn't to just slow down and enjoy these days where the hugs and calling for mom never end. It's how to better manage my time. To save time for each one of my children, for my husband and for myself and for neighbors and friends and other family members. It really is all important and instead of wishing away a piece of these relationships -- I think it is possible to hold onto them and nourish them even with limited time. The secret is time management -- don't get caught too long on Facebook or in that well deserved nap. Take time to prepare a head so when those relationship opportunities present themselves you can embrace them. And you don't have to push away your toddler because you forgot to shop for a meal and now you're scrambling or you don't have to say no to crossing the street to say hi to a friend because you already cleaned your room.

I know it isn't possible to be 100 percent all of the time on all of this. But I am learning it is more important than ever to keep on top of things so the things that matter most have most of your time. I hope this blog wasn't too "mommy blog" - I think it applies to pretty much anyone with a lot on their plate (which is almost everybody). Stay with us on our journey. We love you and appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

What really matters

What really matters seems to be the end all be all explanation to what really happened to my husband. His story is a little more dramatic because I mean medical school and medical residency and so much hard work and so much money/school loans. Isn't the MD what really matters? Doesn't having eight years of higher level education what matters most?  At first it was. Will was devastated. All he wanted to do was get back into his car and drive to Ohio. Put on his drs badge and take care of patients. It was what he had dreamed of doing since a young teenager. And when that was gone. It was all that mattered, and he was very sad. I was very sad for him. But then something happened. Something else, neither of us had planned for. Being back in the same state again I felt complete. I felt at peace whenever I was with him. I couldn't wait to see him everyday and even though our dates were sometimes in the office of a neuropsychologist or to a speech therapy appointment, it never got old. Being with him is what really mattered. I'm not going to say that the love we felt for one another made the heart ache go away, but it did make it bearable. 

The relationships we have are what really matter. They transcend eight years of college and a prominent career and anything else you can throw in the mix. We matter. Being together matters.  I'm so grateful to be married to my best friend. I'm so glad that we took that leap of faith- not knowing what our future would hold and how far Will would come back from the stroke. We both often say -- being together is the best decision we have ever made. And as for Will's MD, we only feel grateful that we are headed in a direction where we believe someday it will be useful again. For now we're happy to have him working and preforming well at work. In the meantime I feel like I am married to some Ken Jennings-- He knows everything about everything and someday that brain of his will be put to full use again.  

A House, almost

What happened instead this last month is Will and I didn't get the house we wanted. It was 100 years old and it looked like it was right out of a Jane Austen novel/movie. It was so cute! Our hearts broke a little, but mostly my mind changed. Why is it so hard to distinguish between what we need and what we want? We need food, water, air and shelter. But how much of it? Where does it stop? And if we do get more shelter or tastier food is it a sin?  Sometimes wondered if our "wealth" has been taken away (since our dr had a stroke) as some sort of punishment. As if we did something wrong and now we have to "pay for it" - but really I know his stroke isn't a punishment and our lack of material possessions doesn't mean we are less than the next person.

Value has nothing to do with money or big houses or tasty steak dinners. Rich or poor, president of the United States, or homeless man on the street - they have the same value. Obviously we are all handed different stories in this life and some are wrought with poverty, others addiction and others mental illness, but we all have something. Something really difficult to deal with. It is for us to pick up our cross and to move forward- and much like the Savior as we bear those burdens our soul begins to enlarge. Our love for others increases. Our gratitude for small things grows.

So instead of getting our home- we got something else. Another life lesson. One that helps us to feel more deeply and lean more on each other and on our Lord and Redeemer. Will did not sin and as a result have a stroke. Our not getting the home wasn't a punishment. Sometimes something else happens instead. And that is ok.