A Horrible Summer

This "what happens instead" blog is not one I have been looking forward to writing. I've just been plain sad and heart broken for months now. I don't even like to talk about it, but I would be ungrateful if I didn't.

This past summer my daughter fell face first into a camp fire. The incident landed us on a life flight and a we had a very frightening next few weeks and months. I was literally shaking for the first week after it all happened. Panic attacks took over my every hour. I was terrified to be alone. Watching her wince and scream in pain every time we pinned her down to change her dressings was unbearable. How could something so horrible happen? I was a few feet away, but she still fell. I wasn't able to spare her from such a terrible accident. I was useless. 

Trying to come to grips with this has been the hardest part of the whole experience. Why would God let such a bad thing happen. To me and to Madison? For the first time in the my life I thought and felt like God was just plain cruel. Like he didn't love me enough to protect me or my daughter. I ignored the service that poured in after the accident. The people who stayed by my side for weeks after the accident. The friends who cleaned my house and delivered groceries, the family who prayed and fasted for me. The neighbors who came to help change the dressings. I was just too sad. It was unreal and it was not fair. 

What happened this summer was totally unexpected. My baby was hurt. Her skin was forever changed. There were burns on her face, arms, hand and tummy. Things happened that neither I nor any doctor could change. The scars would be there for life. 

But through my tears and ridiculous chastisements to my Lord and Savior - He sent down angels. Literal angels from heaven, who caught my daughter while she was falling into the fire. Secured her up in just the right way so she could roll out of the fire and the worst burns would totally miss the crucial areas. The burns on her face and hand and elbow were insignificant. The ones on her belly and upper arm will always be covered by clothing and not require any skin grafts. 

The angels were also there every time I wept in my back yard to yell at God, after my husband and children had gone to sleep. The angels stayed by me and God just listened to me. He let me experience the anguish that comes from such a dramatic experience, and when I was ready He wrapped me in His arms and carried me. 

What happened instead this summer is - I learned for myself God lives. That He loves me and knows EXACTLY what is going on. He weeps with us and comforts us. I will never be the same person I was before my daughters accident(and I am still afraid I will mess up again), but I have begun to see my role as a mother in a totally different light. I put down my phone and turn off my computer screen to talk kids more often now and we dance in the living room more than we ever had before the accident. Now instead of tears of sadness, I weep tears of joy when I am with them. I am so grateful to have them. I love my little family with everything I am. I am also so grateful for my Heavenly Father. I pray I can be worthy of His love - even in my darkest hours.

Love,

Summer

p.s. I know I write sporadically in this blog so I hope you'll still keep with us on our journey. We love you and pray for you!

Something better...

Photo Credit:Will Blackhurst

I assume theses words will reach some eyes so I will continue to share, when I can, what it is to have your whole world change and try to start new. I know these entries are much like a calendar ticking further and further away from the day Will had his stroke(more than eight years ago). It's easy to forget anything happened at all after a while. We have our new normal. The kids hardly know that dad was ever a doctor and it will be years before they understand at one moment he was on deaths door.

These moments define a person, though. Will and I of course feel more deeply for anyone who has the rug jerked out from underneath them as they struggle with new health challenges or unexpected life changes. I think the biggest change, is as much as we would like to complain - because we didn't land a career with excess cash, or haven't been able to have a bigger house, or travel as much or eat out very much - we can't complain. It would be so ungrateful of us if we did. We got something better than a big house or exotic vacations. We found out what was more important. We found the stuff so many people would give their whole life to have--not only did Will live but we found an incredible love. On the other side of a whole lot of horrible we found peace.

What has happened instead? We aren't so angry anymore when the fairness scales do not tip in our favor. In our extremities we have come to know that faith in our Savior can lift us from the darkest of days. That happiness has little to do with worldly favor or wealth and everything to do with how you choose to rise when you're knocked down. Who you choose to follow in your darkest of days. I know we aren't the only ones who can sing this song. I know there are so many out there that have ridden through the rain of pain of loss and sadness and found something better. I just join my voice with them - I know my Savior lives, He is aware of us and in fact it is in these most difficult times when His greatness is revealed.

D&C 6:34 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if you are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

Holding on

It was a long time ago that Will and I met. We have known each other 14 years and it took us five years to get to the point where we openly admitted that we carried a torch for one another. It seems so long ago - a year before Will's stroke he decided that he would give "us" a try.  He was confusing. I wasn't sure how to follow in the dance steps that seemed to have me twirling one minute and on the sidelines another. So when he finally took my hand November 2006 after a symphony concert I was thrilled and scared and wondering- what is this guy thinking?

Now that we are another nine years past that wonderful day when he first took my hand and held my heart with it - I admit we still step on each others toes at times. I still wonder- What is this guy thinking? It has taken years of spinning and missteps and sometimes injured feelings to understand how to make this dance count. To learn how to follow him and make sure he knows where I will go next. But I will tell you one thing for sure - from the moment my man returned home after his stroke I have never sat on the sidelines. He is always there for me. He lets me know how much I mean to him. He loves me more than I deserve I am sure. He is my cheerleader, my best friend and my eternal companion. So I am glad that even though we have a long time to go before we figure each other out and even though life gets in the way - ALL THE TIME! My partner has never once taken his eye off the prize. I am so grateful for such a loving husband and a beautiful family. I love him with everything I am!